When your child is a bigger influencer on you than the Vice President
On parental attachment, earlier bedtimes, and settling the shoe-tying debate
I met Vice President Kamala Harris this week, which was an incredible honor. But the exhilaration and quick trip down to DC exhausted me. Heading back home, I felt giddy about the warm embrace my kid surely had ready for me.
VPOTUS’ reaction on being called “Kamala Auntie” by a previous speaker’s 9 year-old
But instead my 6-year-old opened the door, asked “where’s dad?”, and turned back around towards the living room.
It’s an almost hysterical departure from her normal behavior because our running family joke is about her obsession with me, which she is quick to confirm. Frankly, that obsession has sometimes served us both well.
For example, my 24/7 physical proximity during her hospitalization a few years ago provided her a psychological buffer that therapists say lessened her trauma, a strategy that research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) corroborates.
But when a child prefers one parent over another it can also make it impossible to tag team or sub out.
And since parenting advice often focuses on the primary mother’s bond with a child, it makes it hard for fathers or other caregivers to know how to step in. Research suggests that many fathers can speed up a bond with their new child by prioritizing quality alone time and baby-wearing, two very simple strategies.
I wish I had known that insight when she was born because I would’ve set things up differently to prioritize bonding with both of us. Instead, I inadvertently reinforced her preference for me and likely set up the conditions for her refusing to sleep without me as a toddler.
But after 18 months of having my cheek squished right next to hers like two sides of a printing press, I couldn’t take it anymore. We finally worked with a sleep consultant who helped us arrive at two solutions: being firm in my conviction and getting her to bed earlier.
It turns out that earlier bedtimes are magical, not just for toddlers but for adolescents. A study concluded that for every hour a child goes to bed earlier, they gain an extra 41 mins of sleep. This feels like a very good trade off, doesn’t it? The surprising thing is that the effect is true up to the age of 21.
In growing Sleuth, I’m constantly surprised at how much research doesn’t make it in the hands of parents like us. We’re working hard to get better information and data-backed insights into your hands, but in the meantime, are there areas of kids’ health you wish you had more info on? We might have it so let me know.
Lastly, here are week’s links to check out…
“The mathematically correct way to tie your shoes” settled a debate in my home about which method is better
What’s Golden Hour? (Important info to share with your pregnant friends!)
When Summer Camp Doesn’t Work for Your Kid
Happy Weekend!
Sehreen
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